......so anyway,
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I’m not angry because you’re leaving…
I’m angry because you’re taking my heart with you. I’m sorry. (For saying it, not feeling it)
— Post secret
I’ve been here before, but it’s also something new. Yeah, I ramble about you all the time. What can I say? D, You were a big part of my life, and you’ve damaged me beyond what I thought was possible. I ramble because you’ve changed me and I’m left struggling on my own. Believe it or not, this wasn’t a challenge to see how many pieces you could break me into. Everyday is a mad struggle. This has become a huge part of who I am this year in this moment and I’m still trying to figure it out. I’m trying to build the pieces you’ve left behind up and into something bigger and greater, but it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.
And so I talk about you all the time because you’ve become this part of me that I can’t get rid of. I’m a sister, an athlete, a friend, an adventurer and dreamer, a romantic, 20, silly, funny, a daughter, stubborn, broken, damaged, beat down, bitter, worn out, and hurt. You’ve taken a part of me with you that I don’t know if I’ll ever get back, and I don’t know how to comprehend that right now.
It is what it is.
This is just another season. You just happen to be a big part of this one. There were others where you weren’t, and there will be others where you aren’t.
I’m learning. This one’s just a harder lesson than most, but you better believe I won’t give up this fight. You won’t win this part of me. I won’t let you.. because if I do, surely I will have lost everything and be nothing but a shell. I’m going to walk away better and stronger. Not only because there is no other option, but because I know I can.
“It only hurts because you care”
I’m not sorry for loving you with the tenacity that I did. I’m not sorry that the only thing I did that made me so vulnerable to you was to be honest and open and fierce in my desires to share with you what only a very few select number of people have ever seen of me. I’m not sorry that the parts of me I gave to you, knowing that I can never these parts back, came from a place full of nothing but trust. I’m not sorry I took a gamble on you because I thought you were worth fighting for.
I’m sorry to all the people in the future I am too scared to trust and love because of what you’ve done to me.
I’ve said it before: “You’re too scared to fight even a little bit for anything that’s worth having in your life”, and for the truth in this, I’m also sorry.
And in the end, I still hope you’ll open your eyes and learn to be vulnerable and hurt and to deal with it in a way that will build you up without tearing those down around you. I still hope you’ll realize what good things you have around you and that you need to take care of those who take care of you. I still hope you’ll find what you’re looking for, and persist through the bumps. I still hope you’ll look past the next 3 hours of your life and lead with your heart in the search for the things that matter and focus on the things that are good and great and beautiful in your life and not the distractions… the distractions that take your mind off of how, yes, the good things are hard to attain. And you will face resistance in the face of these things, because numbing the pain isn’t going to make it go away and seeing you hurt like this hurts those around you more than you can comprehend in this moment. But know that there are the things you truly want and need and deserve and that they are attainable if you want them enough. Show a little drive and persistence. Let yourself be happy even if it gets hard. Face the things that are so good they scare you, in the face and appreciate that moment of knowing you have these feelings that are so strong you can’t explain them or understand them. That there are great things beyond your control, and that pains beyond your control will also come. But these pains will go. Don’t ever stop looking for what makes you inexplicably full.
You told me ‘pressure makes diamonds’. Stop running away.
Everyday. Everyday I hope you realize these things. Everyday, even as I’m struggling to fix myself, I am somehow convicted by the fact that I still love you in a way that is not physical and that despite how much you’ve hurt me, I still want the best for you and for you to be that person I know you are deep inside past all this bull shit you put on as a front.
What did I take away from us?
That being hurt doesn’t mean I can’t love. That being rejected doesn’t mean I am worthless. That being angry doesn’t mean I can’t care. That the physical aches of a broken heart are among the strongest feelings I’ve ever experienced. That it is an awful state of being, yet a beautiful one because it means I’ve felt and experienced and am able to give up parts of me in ways I didn’t know was possible. That other people cannot win over you unless you let them, and that the healing process can very well be a lengthy and steep process, but that every day you keep your chin up is another day that you have won. That baby steps are necessary. That just because other people are a big part of your life, you can’t let them define who you are. That I felt and loved and trusted and cared because I am human and let myself be vulnerable.
Maybe people will tell me I’m throwing the word ‘love’ around too loosely. Maybe I am. I just don’t know what else to call it. I’ve never been there before, but this is what I would expect it to be. Feelings that I cannot possibly bound adequately into words.
These emotions terrify me to the core. It is terrifying what we are capable of feeling. How emotional feelings can turn into physical feelings. Light headedness, shortness of breath, butterflies in the stomach, gut feelings, aches. So thank you, D, for showing me how to care and hurt so deeply. Thank you for showing me what it is like to feel so strongly for someone else that you place them before yourself in ways that you cannot control or choose.
Maybe one day you will come across this. Maybe one day I will tell you these things.
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“Why don’t you tell me that ‘if the girl had been worth having she’d have waited for you’? No, sir, the girl really worth having won’t wait for anybody.”F. Scott Fitzgerald
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possible
you’re capable of so much. did you know that?
so much love. so much comfort. so much passion.
so much genuineness.
but to have that divided among so many hearts is a terrifying thing.
it’s a terrifying thing knowing that you can evoke so many emotions in so many people.
it’s a terrifying thing knowing that when you figure yourself out, the love you’re capable of showing will overflow. it will burst at the seams, uncontainable.
the idea of a love so grand is incomprehensible to me right now.
we’re still the same people… just at two different places, in two different times.
one day we’ll get it right— whether that’s on our own or otherwise.
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“Your life is a gift to many and to me. It’s more than good that you were born, more than good that you’re alive. My life is richer and my life is brighter, because of you. May you know today that you are more loved than you could ever know”TWLOHA
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“Just when I feel I’ve reached the moon, you look at me and say ‘let’s go higher, let’s go higher’”Johnny Reid — Let’s go Higher
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Day 1
And so it goes.
Just because it doesn’t feel wrong, then no, that doesn’t mean it feels right either.Today is day 1 in the life of (finally) treating myself right and (finally) being good to myself.
Finally.
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if it doesn’t feel wrong,
does that mean it feels right?
A glass wall built high; new levels of honesty in this relationship
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never failing
my God he is
my God he was
my God he’s always gonna be
__
i’ve lost sight of this race i’m running. only when i stopped to look up did i realize that i’ve done a 180 and am getting further and further away, sprinting in the opposite direction.
it’s time to get back on track.
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15 ‘til the coast again
don’t doubt for a moment that you have ever been anywhere you shouldn’t be. all forward motion counts, and remember— you are golden
it’s been the longest and shortest 8 months. i’ll miss this place the moment i leave but for now, it’s time to go home.
where are the right words when you need them the most?
i can’t wait to be a bun mui again. bring on the sun.
